Making it

It passed...with a few swigs of cold morning coffee and a salad of just vinegar and tomatoes, the hunger passed.

Now it's just waiting for fondue. Why is it that the first few days of restarting an improved way of eating is so consuming. I think of food all the time...the choices, the things that should be ignored, the things that I should eat more of.

And then there's the bliss of WW's. How many points in an item? How many calories, grams of fat, grams of fiber? Slide the point counter. Mark your tracker....it's an all-consuming activity.

The bigger question sometimes is....Is this what I need? Is my issue really based on a food level...or should I throw this whole scenario to the side and focus on the emotional reason why I think that 6 quesadillas is okay to consume? I guess that's always the issue.

But for now, I'm making it.

Rubber meets the road

This is when it gets tough. I'm at work. Breakfast was four hours ago. I am so hungry. The banana for a snack is long gone. If I eat lunch now....then lunch will be something from the corner store.

And dinner is still fondue. So, what to do?

Solemly swear this--- I will only eat my packed lunch and snacks before I reach my friend's house for pre-fondue fun. I swear it to myself...since I'm pretty lonely on my blog. But who is more important to swear to?

No one.

101 days to go: egg whites & fondue

Yowza! I've made it 48 hours. Two days of proud eatin'.

Today I'll go from this for breakfast (egg whites & spinach) to multiple fondue courses for dinner. Ah, to be young, dieting, and eating fondue.

It's a dream world really. Tonight's entire meal is built upon the art dipping delectable tidbits into gooey cheese or chocolate.

Oh, I suppose I should say, "and the egg whites are good, too."

**Notice the refreshing glass of California tap water....later it will transform into a giant goblet of wine.

Ummmm...did I mention that I went powerwalking yesterday, jogged the stairs, did some lunges, push ups, dips...okay, that feels better already.

Green Tea and Goodnight

Oh, it would be wonderful if I was drinking green tea. It's quite the elixir of weight loss, I hear. However; I am consuming little green ice-cream balls coated with soy gel....lovingly called mochi.

This is bliss! Food is still bliss. I don't know if that will ever change.

My second day is ending and I am ever-closer to the REAL 100 day countdown! I am holding my pride, still not eating enough veggies, but drinking the hell out of water.

M's eyes get really large when I eat ice-cream. He thinks it is on the "bad" list. "Oh, Honey....there ain't no "bad" just the "eat less of it" mantra in my book.

Have I mentioned that I hate him for being so pesky-thin?

102 Days to Go: Strength

One day down....and thousands more to go. I awoke this morning feeling proud. It's been so long since I treated myself well for an entire day. Not treatment of the manicure/pedicure variety but rather with kind words to myself, smart food choices, and not tearing at my soul at the end of the night.

Some nights I look at my reflection in the mirror and say the cruelest things. I've done this for years....as child I would actually scratch at my face or pinch the skin between my fingers and just cry. Cry because I ate, cry because I didn't know what I hungered for.

I don't want to feel that emptiness and weakness anymore. I want to feel strong...not because I'm perfect...but because I am forgiving. There are few phrases that run in my mind that I would actually tell a friend. They are harsh and mean and merciless. I have to forgive myself for the mounds of flesh that I've allowed to grown around my body. Soft piles of cheesecakes, cookies, quesadillas and sandwiches that have adhered to my hips and thighs and belly.

Strength starts with movement for me. I'm off to walk along the beach, go up and down some stairs, feel the salty ocean breeze in my face.

Day 1 Ending

Signing off. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet. M asked me why I was creating a blog and not just writing in my journal.

I think it has to do with not being alone. I would love to think that someone will stumble upon this blog, maybe also recently having overeaten or struggling not to, and fighting whatever emotional baggage puts us into making poor choices.

Maybe others are out there...if not, I'm stylishly writing to myself.

Besides, I type faster than I handwrite.

Goodnight. I successfully completed my first day.

Asking for help

I told M he's on his own for a few days with meals. I need a chance to find my way again on WW's. I need to stop grabbing tortillas, slapping a slice of cheese in the middle and microwaving them (without a plate). I just need to catch my breath and hope that he doesn't find my neurosis totally annoying.

He said he loves me today.

I apologized for being so down lately.

I will come out of this stronger.

It's okay to start fresh, begin again, have a "Day 1" for the millionth time.

Fingers in grapefruit jam

Today's stats: 186.6
Life goal: 163
100 day goal: 170

Last night I crouched inside the open door of the fridge. Kneeling down in the bright light of the shelves I searched for something quick and sugary. An old lemon curd jar filled with my friend's grapefruit jam appealed to me. There were no crusty nuggets or easily found bread chunks...or knives for that matter....so I plunged my pointer finger repeatedly into the jar and quickly lapped up the sticky goo. I felt guilty but euphoric at the same time.

That is so often the emotional duet that plays in my mind. Guilt and euphoria. I KNOW that I shouldn't eat the amount of food or they types of food that I do....but yet it gives me pause from any other problems. Fills my mind with a focus of beating myself up for yet another day.

I attended WW's this morning in typical form: scantily clad, starving, and dehydrated. This, I believe, is my "true accurate weight." I think if I could throw some laxative therapy into the mix, I might actually do it. The Focus was Easter candy and portion control. Hmmph! These are not my areas of strength. Anything tastes better when displayed on a bed of bright green grass and covered in bunnies and chickens and pastel merriment. How can anyone deny the goodness of a chocolate bunny. Aren't they divine? And Cadbury Cream Eggs (at the high price of 5 pts. each)....hmmm....they are still better than most things in life.

Wise words read this morning on the couch: "Life's work is to wake up, to let the things that enter into the circle wake you up rather than put you to sleep. The only way to do this is to open, be curious, and develop some sense of sympathy for everything that comes along, to get to know its nature and let it teach you what it will. It's going to stick around until you learn your lesson at any rate. You can leave your marriage, you can quit your job, you can only go where people are going to praise you, you can manipulate your world until you're blue in the face to try to make it always smooth, but the same old demons will always come up until finally you have learned your lesson, the lesson they came to teach you. Then those same demons will appear as friendly, warmhearted companions on the path." The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

What should I try today?

• The novel concept of eating when hungry.
• Not eating all of my points in carbs....there are other food groups in life.
• Tracking honestly what's going in my mouth.
• Don't be so cruel to myself. (ie. thinking that M would leave me if I gained more weight. Would he find me more attractive thinner? Will I look gigantic in my wedding dress? Will I pass on this perverse relationship to food to my potential children? Why I am I so hideously ugly?)
  

I wish I had the strength to try Geneen Roth's method. I have her book, two of them actually. They make me nervous. If I pulled a chair up to the fridge and admitted that I had freedom, a golden ticket, an all-you-can eat pass to delve into food at will....I would fear that weeks later when I pulled up my sticky mouth from a Krispy Kreme-induced coma that I would be bigger, weaker, sadder, and even more harsh on the reflection I see in the mirror.

I can't turn this secret blog into a major time-sucker. I already keep a non-food/weight blog that helps me express a more well-rounded version of myself.

This blog I need for myself. I need to see that in 100 days I can approach my lifetime commitment to another not having so much self-hatred and low self-image. No one wants to marry someone who feels they deserve so very little in the realm of love and affection. No one wants to get married not feeling like they are entering as a whole person, filled with goals, aspirations and satisfaction with body, mind....not that you can't aspire for even more, but content with who I am.

I have never looked in the mirror and not been disgusted with some element of what I see.
This must end.

103 Days to go: First Post

This is my first post. This is me a few weeks ago with the wedding dress on. I'm renting it and I hope to look amazing....but more than that, feel amazing.I suppose it's misleading with the title...but I actually have 103 days until the "big day".

What am I doing? Why can't I just stop eating so much? Make better choices?

I have been trapped in this vortex of dieting and losing and gaining for so long....since I was 9 years old. I am not even sure what my life would be like without this nemesis. My largness, my weight issue, provides me with something. I get that part. I get something out of this or I wouldn't continue the cycle.

I know to simply "eat less, move more" but

instead, day after day, I wake up with the best intentions. My Weight Watcher food tracker at my side. A positive quote and a smiley face scrawled on the page.

But by afternoon or evening, I gorge. I eat until the point of physical pain. It's like a light switch that I unconsciously switch off....allowing my fingers to scoop up food without my mind throwing a fit. My heart breaks but my mouth keeps plowing through.

I am off to Weight Watchers for my first meeting since my new "100 day" focus.