83 days to go- down in the dumps

Today is painful. I am crying a lot. I have let myself down....for the millionth time.

I came home last night after a day of great eating and a great workout. I had exercised hard each day of the week and now it was Friday night. I had only eaten 8 points...which I know is part of the problem...but I was also emotional about different personal issues. So, I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. Probably over 100 points.

Here's what it looked like...I am not sure why I write it down....just to shame myself. Is that helpful? But here it is:

18 crackers and 3oz of cheese (15 points)
plate with bread, hummous, salad, cheese, and a cocktail
second helping of the above
plate with beans, chips, hummos, and 2 slices of quiche

And how does that feel???? 100 points in one day...in just a few hours, actually???

Sick, disgusting, sad, depressed, morose, pitiful, pathetic

I am struggling today to even want to show my face. I dragged myself to the gym. I worked out REALLY hard and so far I've made good choices.

Why is this wedding day, taking pictures, being surrounded by people I love, not ENOUGH to motivate me not to be fat? Why am I still fat? Why can't something just click and I get on this trail and just do the work to get there?

Why am I so weak? Why am I such a failure?

Why can't I do this?

As of this morning, I gained 5 lbs. since last week's weigh-in. Okay, so maybe that's not realistic...it's a reaction to salt and poor eating at dinner....but still, tomorrow's weigh-in will not be great. I will have gained.

All of this writing, talk, work, exercise....and I will still be down just 4 lbs. since I restarted WW's in December at 188.8.

Hysterical really. The movement of 4 lbs. in 4 months. At that rate, I will still be disgusting cow at the wedding.

Oh God, I just need to stop writing this blog for now. I hate everything about myself and what I am and who I have become and my weakness.

87 & 86 days to go - by a thread

I feel as if only by a fine thread am I still holding on to any motivation. Oh, I don't know....somewhere deep inside is the desire, the will, the motivation...but the daily confrontation of temptations seem to often win over common sense and good decisions.

I went 24 points OVER my daily max yesterday. Okay, so I took them out of my flex account....but 24 points. What does my body do with that exactly? I can only imagine that in one fell swoop like that it just collects and pools in my fat cells. I am tired of trying and tired of staying the same.

What am I talking about? I have lost 5 lbs. in the 2 weeks since I started this journey.

So, today on official day 86.....I have eaten 7 points and it's almost 7 pm. That's a luscious 17 points that I can still enjoy tonight with my salmon dinner and asparagus salad. That sounds just perfect.

I will cook again and throw myself into the delight of making a healthy and satsifying meal. I can do this. Can't I? Yes, I can. I can focus and pool my resources, my energy, my positivity and make this happen.

Aahhhhhhhhh.....to dive into the fridge for those "good" ingredients and bypass the cheeses (a gift from my Grandma) and bypass the pumpkin pie (that M refuses to just finish already)....is going to be a challenge.

What can I do?

Have a goal...a mission...a directive.

I will drink a few glasses of water, go into the fridge having consulted the cookbook first, grab only what I need for the salmon/salad meal.

Commit to writing down EVERY point tonight. Do not go over the 17 I have left. Pack a healthy lunch for tomorrow.

That feels better.

86 days. Holy Cow (or I'd rather say sch-iz-nit....If I thought it was appropriate for the blog-o).

89 & 88 days to go- hanging on

How the heck can you gain 7 lbs. in two days...I mean I know that I ate A LOT on Saturday and Sunday--- but 7 lbs. It just seems impossible. We'll see tomorrow how much of it was perhaps water weight.

Why is it that I feel this sense of entitlement for "free days"? Days in which I go completely off program and indulge in whatever strikes my fancy? I think part of it stems from avoiding the "I'm being denied- so I'll cheat" mentality that often strikes me when I'm "dieting."

This can't be a diet for me. I am an overweight person with a tendency to overeat and make poor choices with food. To get a handle on it, to not pass this behavior onto my children...I MUST take a stand with myself. Face me demons. Accept that I'm weak in some areas and need help.

Going to WW meetings helps me. I sit around with all of these other women who are struggling and yet reaching victories each week in their battle. I like to clap as they reach different milestones. I haven't reached on in a very long time...but I will again. at 174.8, I'll reach my 50 lb. mark AGAIN. But the again part doesn't matter....it's me at 50 lbs. lighter than my heaviest. That's an accomplishment.

And what if I don't lose this weight? Sometimes I wonder that. Will the wedding, marriage, relationship be a disaster? No. He loves me now; he loved me then; he'll love me in the future....with my extra pounds or not. That feels good to type and I have to keep reminding myself of this very real fact. My weightloss is associated with the wedding but the 40 lbs. taken off before this "100 day journey" were for my own reasons-- dissassociated with the impending nuptials.

I can do this! I will do this! It is for me. It is for my future. It is forgiving my past.

To bed with my 3 points over I go.

Today's food:
1/2 cup vanilla yogurt, 1 banana
2 (2pt) granola bars
3 (1 oz) servings of pretzels
2 slices of bread, 2 slices of low-fat cheese
salad with non-fat dressing
apple
sushi (Trader Joe's variety, 8 pts)
1 tbsp molasses (for my iron)
1 orange

That's 31 points, minus the 4 activity points = 27 points--- that's 3 points over. Combined with the 100's of points over for Saturday and Sunday--- I need to remain focused.

So, tomorrow's game plan--- going to eat lunch with grandparents at a nice restaurant. That means very few points in the morning, lots of exercise, and then a light light light dinner.

Staying strong.

Feasted...but happy

I ate today. I ate a lot today....but it was delicious. I didn't sneak it. I didn't hide it. I didn't scarf it. I ate it on my plate and thought of my gratitude for it. Yes, I went over points by a million...but this happens sometimes and I am back on track the next day.

90 days to go: down 5 lbs. in 2 weeks!

Yahoo....after several questionable days....and several evenings of just air-popped popcorn and tea, I was down another 2.6 lbs. I need much strength to get through today and tomorrow and all of the temptations.

I am eating blackstrap molasses oatmeal and 1/2 a banana right now before we go!

I am thrilled!!!

91 days to go: back in the saddle

This weekend is food mania. I need to find some strength going into the two days of feasting. Saturday brings an amazing spread of Polish, Hawaiian, and Cuban treats at my aunt's house. I'm bringing an oh-so-safe fruit salad. I need to stay near the fruit salad and any other vegetable that hasn't been sitting in eggs, crust, oil, or bread crumbs.

I am always the person closest to the buffet table eating away. That must change for me to be successful and not just for this wedding....the meals after that, too.

Curves will be my haven this afternoon.

I forgive myself for going 22 points over yesterday (yup, a big 22). (I had forgotten yogurt and banana in my last night's point count.

Falling on my face

And mix in a wee bit (or a lot) of stress and here's what you get....notice it ain't just tea

4 tortillas
2 slices of cheese
pan of air-popped popcorn
moshi ice-cream ball

Total of 14 more points. That puts me 17 puts over for the day.

And that falling FLAT ON MY FACE. So, where to go from here. Pick myself up. Take my full-bloated-aching stomach to bed. Think positive about what I can do tomorrow. There are thousands of meals left in my life.