Fingers in grapefruit jam

Today's stats: 186.6
Life goal: 163
100 day goal: 170

Last night I crouched inside the open door of the fridge. Kneeling down in the bright light of the shelves I searched for something quick and sugary. An old lemon curd jar filled with my friend's grapefruit jam appealed to me. There were no crusty nuggets or easily found bread chunks...or knives for that matter....so I plunged my pointer finger repeatedly into the jar and quickly lapped up the sticky goo. I felt guilty but euphoric at the same time.

That is so often the emotional duet that plays in my mind. Guilt and euphoria. I KNOW that I shouldn't eat the amount of food or they types of food that I do....but yet it gives me pause from any other problems. Fills my mind with a focus of beating myself up for yet another day.

I attended WW's this morning in typical form: scantily clad, starving, and dehydrated. This, I believe, is my "true accurate weight." I think if I could throw some laxative therapy into the mix, I might actually do it. The Focus was Easter candy and portion control. Hmmph! These are not my areas of strength. Anything tastes better when displayed on a bed of bright green grass and covered in bunnies and chickens and pastel merriment. How can anyone deny the goodness of a chocolate bunny. Aren't they divine? And Cadbury Cream Eggs (at the high price of 5 pts. each)....hmmm....they are still better than most things in life.

Wise words read this morning on the couch: "Life's work is to wake up, to let the things that enter into the circle wake you up rather than put you to sleep. The only way to do this is to open, be curious, and develop some sense of sympathy for everything that comes along, to get to know its nature and let it teach you what it will. It's going to stick around until you learn your lesson at any rate. You can leave your marriage, you can quit your job, you can only go where people are going to praise you, you can manipulate your world until you're blue in the face to try to make it always smooth, but the same old demons will always come up until finally you have learned your lesson, the lesson they came to teach you. Then those same demons will appear as friendly, warmhearted companions on the path." The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

What should I try today?

• The novel concept of eating when hungry.
• Not eating all of my points in carbs....there are other food groups in life.
• Tracking honestly what's going in my mouth.
• Don't be so cruel to myself. (ie. thinking that M would leave me if I gained more weight. Would he find me more attractive thinner? Will I look gigantic in my wedding dress? Will I pass on this perverse relationship to food to my potential children? Why I am I so hideously ugly?)
  

I wish I had the strength to try Geneen Roth's method. I have her book, two of them actually. They make me nervous. If I pulled a chair up to the fridge and admitted that I had freedom, a golden ticket, an all-you-can eat pass to delve into food at will....I would fear that weeks later when I pulled up my sticky mouth from a Krispy Kreme-induced coma that I would be bigger, weaker, sadder, and even more harsh on the reflection I see in the mirror.

I can't turn this secret blog into a major time-sucker. I already keep a non-food/weight blog that helps me express a more well-rounded version of myself.

This blog I need for myself. I need to see that in 100 days I can approach my lifetime commitment to another not having so much self-hatred and low self-image. No one wants to marry someone who feels they deserve so very little in the realm of love and affection. No one wants to get married not feeling like they are entering as a whole person, filled with goals, aspirations and satisfaction with body, mind....not that you can't aspire for even more, but content with who I am.

I have never looked in the mirror and not been disgusted with some element of what I see.
This must end.