83 days to go- down in the dumps

Today is painful. I am crying a lot. I have let myself down....for the millionth time.

I came home last night after a day of great eating and a great workout. I had exercised hard each day of the week and now it was Friday night. I had only eaten 8 points...which I know is part of the problem...but I was also emotional about different personal issues. So, I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. Probably over 100 points.

Here's what it looked like...I am not sure why I write it down....just to shame myself. Is that helpful? But here it is:

18 crackers and 3oz of cheese (15 points)
plate with bread, hummous, salad, cheese, and a cocktail
second helping of the above
plate with beans, chips, hummos, and 2 slices of quiche

And how does that feel???? 100 points in one day...in just a few hours, actually???

Sick, disgusting, sad, depressed, morose, pitiful, pathetic

I am struggling today to even want to show my face. I dragged myself to the gym. I worked out REALLY hard and so far I've made good choices.

Why is this wedding day, taking pictures, being surrounded by people I love, not ENOUGH to motivate me not to be fat? Why am I still fat? Why can't something just click and I get on this trail and just do the work to get there?

Why am I so weak? Why am I such a failure?

Why can't I do this?

As of this morning, I gained 5 lbs. since last week's weigh-in. Okay, so maybe that's not realistic...it's a reaction to salt and poor eating at dinner....but still, tomorrow's weigh-in will not be great. I will have gained.

All of this writing, talk, work, exercise....and I will still be down just 4 lbs. since I restarted WW's in December at 188.8.

Hysterical really. The movement of 4 lbs. in 4 months. At that rate, I will still be disgusting cow at the wedding.

Oh God, I just need to stop writing this blog for now. I hate everything about myself and what I am and who I have become and my weakness.

87 & 86 days to go - by a thread

I feel as if only by a fine thread am I still holding on to any motivation. Oh, I don't know....somewhere deep inside is the desire, the will, the motivation...but the daily confrontation of temptations seem to often win over common sense and good decisions.

I went 24 points OVER my daily max yesterday. Okay, so I took them out of my flex account....but 24 points. What does my body do with that exactly? I can only imagine that in one fell swoop like that it just collects and pools in my fat cells. I am tired of trying and tired of staying the same.

What am I talking about? I have lost 5 lbs. in the 2 weeks since I started this journey.

So, today on official day 86.....I have eaten 7 points and it's almost 7 pm. That's a luscious 17 points that I can still enjoy tonight with my salmon dinner and asparagus salad. That sounds just perfect.

I will cook again and throw myself into the delight of making a healthy and satsifying meal. I can do this. Can't I? Yes, I can. I can focus and pool my resources, my energy, my positivity and make this happen.

Aahhhhhhhhh.....to dive into the fridge for those "good" ingredients and bypass the cheeses (a gift from my Grandma) and bypass the pumpkin pie (that M refuses to just finish already)....is going to be a challenge.

What can I do?

Have a goal...a mission...a directive.

I will drink a few glasses of water, go into the fridge having consulted the cookbook first, grab only what I need for the salmon/salad meal.

Commit to writing down EVERY point tonight. Do not go over the 17 I have left. Pack a healthy lunch for tomorrow.

That feels better.

86 days. Holy Cow (or I'd rather say sch-iz-nit....If I thought it was appropriate for the blog-o).

89 & 88 days to go- hanging on

How the heck can you gain 7 lbs. in two days...I mean I know that I ate A LOT on Saturday and Sunday--- but 7 lbs. It just seems impossible. We'll see tomorrow how much of it was perhaps water weight.

Why is it that I feel this sense of entitlement for "free days"? Days in which I go completely off program and indulge in whatever strikes my fancy? I think part of it stems from avoiding the "I'm being denied- so I'll cheat" mentality that often strikes me when I'm "dieting."

This can't be a diet for me. I am an overweight person with a tendency to overeat and make poor choices with food. To get a handle on it, to not pass this behavior onto my children...I MUST take a stand with myself. Face me demons. Accept that I'm weak in some areas and need help.

Going to WW meetings helps me. I sit around with all of these other women who are struggling and yet reaching victories each week in their battle. I like to clap as they reach different milestones. I haven't reached on in a very long time...but I will again. at 174.8, I'll reach my 50 lb. mark AGAIN. But the again part doesn't matter....it's me at 50 lbs. lighter than my heaviest. That's an accomplishment.

And what if I don't lose this weight? Sometimes I wonder that. Will the wedding, marriage, relationship be a disaster? No. He loves me now; he loved me then; he'll love me in the future....with my extra pounds or not. That feels good to type and I have to keep reminding myself of this very real fact. My weightloss is associated with the wedding but the 40 lbs. taken off before this "100 day journey" were for my own reasons-- dissassociated with the impending nuptials.

I can do this! I will do this! It is for me. It is for my future. It is forgiving my past.

To bed with my 3 points over I go.

Today's food:
1/2 cup vanilla yogurt, 1 banana
2 (2pt) granola bars
3 (1 oz) servings of pretzels
2 slices of bread, 2 slices of low-fat cheese
salad with non-fat dressing
apple
sushi (Trader Joe's variety, 8 pts)
1 tbsp molasses (for my iron)
1 orange

That's 31 points, minus the 4 activity points = 27 points--- that's 3 points over. Combined with the 100's of points over for Saturday and Sunday--- I need to remain focused.

So, tomorrow's game plan--- going to eat lunch with grandparents at a nice restaurant. That means very few points in the morning, lots of exercise, and then a light light light dinner.

Staying strong.

Feasted...but happy

I ate today. I ate a lot today....but it was delicious. I didn't sneak it. I didn't hide it. I didn't scarf it. I ate it on my plate and thought of my gratitude for it. Yes, I went over points by a million...but this happens sometimes and I am back on track the next day.

90 days to go: down 5 lbs. in 2 weeks!

Yahoo....after several questionable days....and several evenings of just air-popped popcorn and tea, I was down another 2.6 lbs. I need much strength to get through today and tomorrow and all of the temptations.

I am eating blackstrap molasses oatmeal and 1/2 a banana right now before we go!

I am thrilled!!!

91 days to go: back in the saddle

This weekend is food mania. I need to find some strength going into the two days of feasting. Saturday brings an amazing spread of Polish, Hawaiian, and Cuban treats at my aunt's house. I'm bringing an oh-so-safe fruit salad. I need to stay near the fruit salad and any other vegetable that hasn't been sitting in eggs, crust, oil, or bread crumbs.

I am always the person closest to the buffet table eating away. That must change for me to be successful and not just for this wedding....the meals after that, too.

Curves will be my haven this afternoon.

I forgive myself for going 22 points over yesterday (yup, a big 22). (I had forgotten yogurt and banana in my last night's point count.

Falling on my face

And mix in a wee bit (or a lot) of stress and here's what you get....notice it ain't just tea

4 tortillas
2 slices of cheese
pan of air-popped popcorn
moshi ice-cream ball

Total of 14 more points. That puts me 17 puts over for the day.

And that falling FLAT ON MY FACE. So, where to go from here. Pick myself up. Take my full-bloated-aching stomach to bed. Think positive about what I can do tomorrow. There are thousands of meals left in my life.

How it's done (or not)....

Okay, I haven't been great about writing down my points today....so I'll do it here.

This is a fairly typical day in which I start off strong, then by afternoon, inhale the planet on a plate (or with just my fingers).

I operate under the mentality that if I keep slicing the pumpkin pie in little slivers that it doesn't count that I'm eating it.

So, here's the juice:
2-1/2 cup oatmeal
1-1 tbsp. blackstrap molasses
2-1 banana
1-1 orange
1-1 apple
4-1 sandwich (2 1 pt. breads and 1 low-fat slice of cheese)
6-2 servings of carrot/dill soup
2-2 chunks of bread (homemade at friend's house)
1-1 tbsp almond milk in tea
5-1 slice of pumpkin pie
2-2 pieces of toast
4-2 eggs

and the math on all of those points (at the left) is........ 32 points. I exercised at a high-level of intensity for 5 points....which means I'm at 27 points....3 points over for the day. I haven't even technically had dinner but I have no points. Sucks for me.

Looks like it is another night of tea and tea and water and tea.

ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHH.....can I just learn to save some points for dinner??????

I am so hungry....or do I just think I have to eat at 8pm? Maybe that's it. I am not hungry; I am not hungry.

92 days to go: gym in the afternoon!

Today will test my strength. I am too tired to go to the gym this morning before work, thus, the gym clothes are packed for an afternoon visit.

Am I dedicated enough to visit the gym in the afternoon after a day of substitute teaching? Can I drag myself through those doors at 3 in the afternoon? I hope so.

Foodwise - yesterday was tough. I showed a little girl how to make pumpkin pie yesterday and managed to escape the evening only eating a small 3 pt. slice of our delicious product. It was a narrow victory because I still managed to overeat in pts. by 8. I am now officially 12 pts. over for the week (and this is using all 35 flex. already and all activity points).

On the scale I'm up a bit, too. I'm not too worried; however, I face a daunting weekend of Saturday feasts and Sunday Easter treats. The weigh-in will have to come into play on Saturday morning to help keep me in line and maybe again on Monday to check my progress through an abundant weekend.

93 days to go: Back on track!

I am totally rejuvenated today! My workout was intense....a 2o minute walk/jog to Curves, a killer circuit-training experience there, and then a 20 minute walk/jog back home.

I am hopped up! Rarin' to go....and I'm not going to repeat yesterday's idiocy again today. The over-consumption of food (when I'm not hungry) is what got me here. It's not that I don't exercise, or drink water, or eat too much cake....it's regular old food on steriod portions.

Portion control is my nemesis. Are you seriously telling me that 1 cup of pasta is a serving. I could eat 3 cups without blinking. And 1/2 cup of tomato sauce (the healthy kind) is not usually my cup'o tea. And speaking of tea....those drinks at the coffee shop call to me.

I can do this. I am going to do this. This time is different. Here's why:

• I am writing this blog daily until the wedding. I WILL NOT miss a day (unless something super-crazy happens) and I will remain HONEST each day. I don't want to look back and see honest slacking or honest over-eating most days. That would be stupid.

• I have started posting on the WW community webboard to make new contacts that are on the same program. There are 12 of us who have joined a "Summer 25 Challenge." That's lose about 25 lbs. by the end of summer.

• I want to be in shape and healthy when I get married and also as we approach the years of trying to have babies. I don't want to already be heavy and then pregnant....it seems to just compound the issue.

So, those are the 3 reasons why this time is different. If I just keep blogging and tracking, I can shrink. I know that no one really reads this but it is here to keep me accountable. I will be called "chubby" no more.

94 days to go: I want this!

Why is it that I can want something so badly....but fail to accomplish the simple steps needed to reach the goal? I know how to lose weight.

Don't we all?

Eat less. Move more.

It is that simple. Yet, today, as I stood at the counter with a luscious 13 pts (approx. 700 calories) left for dinner, I managed to eat them all and more just making my beloved a sandwich. While I was making him a sandwich, I was mopping up the egg salad bowl, the crispy fry oil on the pan, and the chili/onion jam with another roll.

I used the burning of his first roll as the perfect excuse to eat the roll in ANY sauce, cheese, condiment that I could find. It was this insane scarfing. Hoping he didn't come out of his office and wonder why I was eating "his" roll. Trust me, he isn't possessive of the rolls...it is me that announces that certain foods are off limits and I have my 1 pt. slices of bread instead.

So, there I was. Stuffing the toasted roll in my face as fast as I could. Inhaling all of my allotted dinner points in a matter of minutes.

Then, because I'm mad about the scarfing, I eat two little Japaneses ice-cream balls (moshi) to really stick to my guns.

It is ridiculous. I think of the wedding. I think of the swimsuit that will be worn the day after the wedding at the "all family/friend beach bbq" and I pee my pants with nerves. I want to look fit that day...okay, "thin" would be a better word. Or I'd take any of the following:

"hot"
"good"
"healthy" (and not in the pejorative sense of "chubby")
"fit"
"lean"

If any of those words could honestly be ascribed to me that day, in a swimsuit, I'd be thrilled. I don't want to hear this:

"she has such a pretty face" (frankly, f___k you for saying this one)
"thick"
"chunky"
"chubby"
"fat"

But at the end of the day, my beauty that day will be certain. I think it's hard to be an unattractive bride. You glow, radiate, and are so smitten. I don't think I'm hideous....but I do still look at my body sometimes and cry. What have I done?

I have stretch marks like I've had 5 kids. (I have none)
I have cottage cheese on my thighs.
I have fat rolls on my back.

My choices have brought me to this place. My choices have created the image I see before me. Is it possible; however, that it's distorted. Do I see myself much larger than others do? And when it comes down to it....I guess my own perception is the only one that matters.

I must work on my perception - my value beyond the number on that scale.

I want this. Tonight is about drinking tea and forgiving the roll incident.

95 days to go: Salad....can I make one?

Bags of lettuce and arugula line my fridge shelves. Ripe red tomatoes, red peppers and asparagus spears fill the drawers....yet no salad enters my mouth. When faced with the pervasive hunger of afternoon (my bewitching hours), I often dive into tortillas, bread, cheese on bread....basically a carb fest.

But right now I am going to make a salad. Something about putting it down here will encourage me to do it. What a silly goose I'll be if I take the time to write all of this and then go an microwave a quesadilla (yup, a tortilla with a slice of cheese on a paper towel....high class, that's me).

So, to salad world I go.

Maybe I'll take a picture too....that will really make me lumber into the chopping arena for a few minutes to give my body a next to zero point meal.

Weigh In #1: Down 2.4

Brought my lightly-dressed, parched, starving self into WW's this morning.

The weigh-in results #1 (first week since blog, redidication...paranoia about upcoming wedding dress) are in.....

.........drum roll..................... down 2.4 lbs.

New weight as of this morning (before aforementioned 2 boxes of cereal) is 184.2.

The scale should not rule my world......but it still does....it's a good day.

96 days to go: just the newspaper, please!

There is a new world record for the consumption of 28g of Cheerios......5.6 seconds. The pesky LA Times, a faltering paper by itself, greeted my dewy grass this morning with a box of Honey Nut Cheerios embedded in the plastic sleeve.

Drat! That means, naturally, I must eat said cereal. It simply would be unheard of to offer the cereal to my fiance or a passerby. I picked up the paper; therefore, the cereal must be eaten.

I've made up an entire labyrinth of rules and codes of conduct that have entitled me to these extra mounds of doughy flesh. They allow me to sneak, scarf, and consume more food than I need and then experience the cyclical guilt, wilting self-worth, and struggling to regain my value rollercoaster.

I read recently that having a weight issue is serving me in some way or I wouldn't do it. I don't like this theory....yet, it makes sense. If it absolutely benefited me in no way...I would have stopped.

So, I ask myself today, of what benefit is being overweight, chubby, fat, large, thick, etc.?

Potential answers for MY own weight being a positive:

1. It's a defense mechanism against thinking that any failures are based on lack of ability and/or personality flaws (because I'm not given a "fair look" or chance because of my weight)
2. It distances me from potential romantic, flirtatious, sexually-charged situations (I'm the funny fat girl, the supportive wing-man to thin friends, the consummate "friend")
3. I am almost always offered the passenger seat in the car (versus squeezing fellow riders in the back)
4. It's an excuse as to why I don't look very fashionable (since there's "so little out there" that looks unlike a potato sack)

Hmmm.....I didn't like making that list but it does make sense. I can't possibly cling to behavior that I know to be unhealthy if it isn't rewarding me in some way.

So, why did I just eat the Cheerios (and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch....ah heck!)....because that's 5 points in cereal and those 10 seconds were full of bliss.

Ummmmm....how will I eat my gourmet dinner planned with just 7 pts. left?

Now that's going to have to get creative!!!

Sore

Maybe two walks (both over two hours long) is a little much for my little knees. I need to be better about spreading out my workouts so I don't burn out. I read about this woman today who went from 210 lbs. to 155 lbs. and just ran her first marathon a few weeks ago.

I found her story so inspirational. This can be done. This is my 6th day of being "on program" in a long, long time. Weigh-in & meeting are tomorrow. I am ready. I am pumped.

97 days to go: the period pass?

"Okay, Delilah, I know you're on your period....that is not some sort of freekish free pass to eating crazy."

"But I feel cranky, bloated, and pissed....can't I get extra food on my plate to feel better?"

"No, because actually that always makes you feel worse."

"Oh, so what should I do?"

"Figure out what type of activity points you are going for today....walking, jogging, yoga?"


So, that's where I am right now. Thinking what I could do for exercise!

RING - RING - RING

Skinny friend just called and asked, "Do you want to go on a walk up and down Peach Hill with me?"

"Yes, that sound great!" "Oh, Gads! That sounds like the worst thing ever."

I'm going with the angelic voice this time. So, that's decided. I think there's been progress on the scale. Obsession it is. The scale just lies there each morning and calls to me to step on it. See what the daily numbers are. It's a bad scale. Some days it jumps 2 lbs in just a few minutes. I want to throw it through against the wall...but then again the next day, I'd want it again.

So, far, it would appear 3 lbs. are down...despite the period issues. We'll see if it holds until weigh-in tomorrow...or was even accurate at all.

Frozen yogurt madness

I am in the process right now of making frozen yogurt. I only have 2 pts. left; however, I have more than 8 pts. in yogurt churning, churning, churning in the yogurt maker. It's okay though. I am not overweight from eating non-fat yogurt with strawberries. That's not why I'm here.

I went on a long walk and to a yoga class today. I am proud of myself.

98 days to go: the journey and the scale

It's amazing how I can oscillate between hope and despair after one night's sleep. I awoke feeling juicy and jazzed about tackling the day...then stepped on the scale.

-0.2 down. I should celebrate.

But it irritated me. I considered what I'd given up, how my portions had been so small yesterday, and I'd exercised so hard.

Snap out of it! Focus on today and what's ahead. I am going to go on a luxurious walk and take a yoga class. (Some of the many benefits of being out of work!)

On the menu tonight: pinto beans and a big salad (with leftover quiche).

********************
I wonder if I can do this. I know if I'm even wondering that's a bad sign. But what makes this time different from all of the other "diets" and "restarts" and "this time" that I've had in the past? I don't really know the answer.

I am trying to be accountable in words, in writing, online....and perhaps it's just to myself (If you ARE READING this, please comment)...but until then it's just me. At the end and throughout that's all it really ever is, though....just ourselves. I am alone in my journey, my victory, my defeat, my struggle to tackle this nemesis of weight. But it's not "weight" really....it's emotions and how I process them.

I got a call last night from my nurse practitioner..."You have an abnormal cell growth in your pap...I need to see you in 3 months again"....I immediately started picking again at the chicken on my plate. It was completely automatic. The thought didn't even cross my mind that I was eating more food; albeit full, until I snapped the phone closed and looked at what I was doing.

Eating is how I process all things.

Today, I will commit to being kind to myself in words and in choices.

To bed with a full belly

I was ambitious today with both my food and exercise. I had a fantastic eliptical workout and then prepared a 3rd anniversary meal spectacular.

It included:
1. turkey bacon, shitake mushroom, and leek quiche (with my first EVER homemade pie dough)
2. red lentil soup
3. cornish game hens stuffed with brown rice and raisins

The meal was incredible and well worth the 13 points needed to eat it! Along with a glass of wine, I was at 15 points for the evening....and luckily, I had them.

Today I felt like things got easier! I just woke up knowing that I had to keep doing this. Some days this fact is obvious and other days I feel like I'm just being painfully born into the WW world.

"What are points again?" I ask on my rough days.

Today, it made sense. More days like this one are needed!

Feelin' Curvy

It turns out that my first Curves appointment was more of a consultation. I didn't actually get a workout but I did find out stats. None of them are shocking...but some are disheartening.

But what would this blog be for if I didn't have some signficant ground to cover?

I just put my measurements on the sidebar permanentely (pending updates)....and I'll be measuring again in a month. My first "official" workout at Curves is on Monday. It's an interesting program....not quite sure that the vibe of the much older women chatting and gossiping is my thing...but that's why I'll have an ipod on.

Okay, the numbers:

5' 8" Height (probably not going to change)
186.6 Weight
31.3% Body fat
78 Resting heart rate
114/72 Blood pressure
28.4 BMI
28.4 Bust
38 Waist
42.25 Abdomen
43 Hips
25 Thigh
13.25 Arm

99 days to go: Going to Curves

In just moments I'll depart for Curves. I'll be weighed and measured and begin the training regimine.

I'm excited. I need some physical plan of attack....beyond the mental, the WW's, the thinking of only food.

Struggling

Why is it that on some days I'll eat my 24 points on WW's and feel satisfied...and other days, like today, I feel hungry all day.

I'm 5 points over the the day and it just still doesn't feel like enough food.

It's a struggle today. I just need to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Tomorrow is 99 days and I'm going to my first training session at Curves.

100 days to go: This is it!

I feel like sludge is in my veins. It's the "official" start date of my 100 day adventure. 100 days until I wed the most incredible man. 100 days for me to really focus on becoming healthier and stronger.

I suppose it shouldn't end after 100 days. The days of spreading unlimited peanut butter on mounds of bread and shoveling handfuls of nuts and chocolate into my mouth with total disregard must end. My worst fear is that my food issues continue to unravel and any future children (if we're lucky to have them) will also have crazy hang ups about eating.

This morning I feel slow. The fondue spectacular was a wonderful treat for me physically; but I was not up to the challenge mentally. Bread chunks bathed in cheese, chicken and shrimp boiled in broth, and cheesecake squares sunk into a pool of milk chocolate. My stomach has a symphony of food...and is still working on it. It's uncomfortable.

But, I figure, what a better way to solidify the start of my adventure.

In 100 days, I commit to:

being more mindful and present when I eat
slowing down to enjoy and relish the people I'm eating with...not just the food
asking myself before stuffing food in my mouth, "Is this the best choice?"

Now, hopefully, these commitments lead to weight loss. I totally want to be thinner by the "big day." I don't want mounds of flesh and untoned arms poking out of the rented designer dress. I want the photographs for decades to come to remind of that day and not of all the food that I ate.

So, let's begin.

Thus far, a packet of oatmeal and 1/2 banana have dived into the fondue pot of my belly. It's still crowded in there.

Making it

It passed...with a few swigs of cold morning coffee and a salad of just vinegar and tomatoes, the hunger passed.

Now it's just waiting for fondue. Why is it that the first few days of restarting an improved way of eating is so consuming. I think of food all the time...the choices, the things that should be ignored, the things that I should eat more of.

And then there's the bliss of WW's. How many points in an item? How many calories, grams of fat, grams of fiber? Slide the point counter. Mark your tracker....it's an all-consuming activity.

The bigger question sometimes is....Is this what I need? Is my issue really based on a food level...or should I throw this whole scenario to the side and focus on the emotional reason why I think that 6 quesadillas is okay to consume? I guess that's always the issue.

But for now, I'm making it.

Rubber meets the road

This is when it gets tough. I'm at work. Breakfast was four hours ago. I am so hungry. The banana for a snack is long gone. If I eat lunch now....then lunch will be something from the corner store.

And dinner is still fondue. So, what to do?

Solemly swear this--- I will only eat my packed lunch and snacks before I reach my friend's house for pre-fondue fun. I swear it to myself...since I'm pretty lonely on my blog. But who is more important to swear to?

No one.

101 days to go: egg whites & fondue

Yowza! I've made it 48 hours. Two days of proud eatin'.

Today I'll go from this for breakfast (egg whites & spinach) to multiple fondue courses for dinner. Ah, to be young, dieting, and eating fondue.

It's a dream world really. Tonight's entire meal is built upon the art dipping delectable tidbits into gooey cheese or chocolate.

Oh, I suppose I should say, "and the egg whites are good, too."

**Notice the refreshing glass of California tap water....later it will transform into a giant goblet of wine.

Ummmm...did I mention that I went powerwalking yesterday, jogged the stairs, did some lunges, push ups, dips...okay, that feels better already.

Green Tea and Goodnight

Oh, it would be wonderful if I was drinking green tea. It's quite the elixir of weight loss, I hear. However; I am consuming little green ice-cream balls coated with soy gel....lovingly called mochi.

This is bliss! Food is still bliss. I don't know if that will ever change.

My second day is ending and I am ever-closer to the REAL 100 day countdown! I am holding my pride, still not eating enough veggies, but drinking the hell out of water.

M's eyes get really large when I eat ice-cream. He thinks it is on the "bad" list. "Oh, Honey....there ain't no "bad" just the "eat less of it" mantra in my book.

Have I mentioned that I hate him for being so pesky-thin?

102 Days to Go: Strength

One day down....and thousands more to go. I awoke this morning feeling proud. It's been so long since I treated myself well for an entire day. Not treatment of the manicure/pedicure variety but rather with kind words to myself, smart food choices, and not tearing at my soul at the end of the night.

Some nights I look at my reflection in the mirror and say the cruelest things. I've done this for years....as child I would actually scratch at my face or pinch the skin between my fingers and just cry. Cry because I ate, cry because I didn't know what I hungered for.

I don't want to feel that emptiness and weakness anymore. I want to feel strong...not because I'm perfect...but because I am forgiving. There are few phrases that run in my mind that I would actually tell a friend. They are harsh and mean and merciless. I have to forgive myself for the mounds of flesh that I've allowed to grown around my body. Soft piles of cheesecakes, cookies, quesadillas and sandwiches that have adhered to my hips and thighs and belly.

Strength starts with movement for me. I'm off to walk along the beach, go up and down some stairs, feel the salty ocean breeze in my face.

Day 1 Ending

Signing off. I don't think anyone has found this blog yet. M asked me why I was creating a blog and not just writing in my journal.

I think it has to do with not being alone. I would love to think that someone will stumble upon this blog, maybe also recently having overeaten or struggling not to, and fighting whatever emotional baggage puts us into making poor choices.

Maybe others are out there...if not, I'm stylishly writing to myself.

Besides, I type faster than I handwrite.

Goodnight. I successfully completed my first day.

Asking for help

I told M he's on his own for a few days with meals. I need a chance to find my way again on WW's. I need to stop grabbing tortillas, slapping a slice of cheese in the middle and microwaving them (without a plate). I just need to catch my breath and hope that he doesn't find my neurosis totally annoying.

He said he loves me today.

I apologized for being so down lately.

I will come out of this stronger.

It's okay to start fresh, begin again, have a "Day 1" for the millionth time.

Fingers in grapefruit jam

Today's stats: 186.6
Life goal: 163
100 day goal: 170

Last night I crouched inside the open door of the fridge. Kneeling down in the bright light of the shelves I searched for something quick and sugary. An old lemon curd jar filled with my friend's grapefruit jam appealed to me. There were no crusty nuggets or easily found bread chunks...or knives for that matter....so I plunged my pointer finger repeatedly into the jar and quickly lapped up the sticky goo. I felt guilty but euphoric at the same time.

That is so often the emotional duet that plays in my mind. Guilt and euphoria. I KNOW that I shouldn't eat the amount of food or they types of food that I do....but yet it gives me pause from any other problems. Fills my mind with a focus of beating myself up for yet another day.

I attended WW's this morning in typical form: scantily clad, starving, and dehydrated. This, I believe, is my "true accurate weight." I think if I could throw some laxative therapy into the mix, I might actually do it. The Focus was Easter candy and portion control. Hmmph! These are not my areas of strength. Anything tastes better when displayed on a bed of bright green grass and covered in bunnies and chickens and pastel merriment. How can anyone deny the goodness of a chocolate bunny. Aren't they divine? And Cadbury Cream Eggs (at the high price of 5 pts. each)....hmmm....they are still better than most things in life.

Wise words read this morning on the couch: "Life's work is to wake up, to let the things that enter into the circle wake you up rather than put you to sleep. The only way to do this is to open, be curious, and develop some sense of sympathy for everything that comes along, to get to know its nature and let it teach you what it will. It's going to stick around until you learn your lesson at any rate. You can leave your marriage, you can quit your job, you can only go where people are going to praise you, you can manipulate your world until you're blue in the face to try to make it always smooth, but the same old demons will always come up until finally you have learned your lesson, the lesson they came to teach you. Then those same demons will appear as friendly, warmhearted companions on the path." The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

What should I try today?

• The novel concept of eating when hungry.
• Not eating all of my points in carbs....there are other food groups in life.
• Tracking honestly what's going in my mouth.
• Don't be so cruel to myself. (ie. thinking that M would leave me if I gained more weight. Would he find me more attractive thinner? Will I look gigantic in my wedding dress? Will I pass on this perverse relationship to food to my potential children? Why I am I so hideously ugly?)
  

I wish I had the strength to try Geneen Roth's method. I have her book, two of them actually. They make me nervous. If I pulled a chair up to the fridge and admitted that I had freedom, a golden ticket, an all-you-can eat pass to delve into food at will....I would fear that weeks later when I pulled up my sticky mouth from a Krispy Kreme-induced coma that I would be bigger, weaker, sadder, and even more harsh on the reflection I see in the mirror.

I can't turn this secret blog into a major time-sucker. I already keep a non-food/weight blog that helps me express a more well-rounded version of myself.

This blog I need for myself. I need to see that in 100 days I can approach my lifetime commitment to another not having so much self-hatred and low self-image. No one wants to marry someone who feels they deserve so very little in the realm of love and affection. No one wants to get married not feeling like they are entering as a whole person, filled with goals, aspirations and satisfaction with body, mind....not that you can't aspire for even more, but content with who I am.

I have never looked in the mirror and not been disgusted with some element of what I see.
This must end.

103 Days to go: First Post

This is my first post. This is me a few weeks ago with the wedding dress on. I'm renting it and I hope to look amazing....but more than that, feel amazing.I suppose it's misleading with the title...but I actually have 103 days until the "big day".

What am I doing? Why can't I just stop eating so much? Make better choices?

I have been trapped in this vortex of dieting and losing and gaining for so long....since I was 9 years old. I am not even sure what my life would be like without this nemesis. My largness, my weight issue, provides me with something. I get that part. I get something out of this or I wouldn't continue the cycle.

I know to simply "eat less, move more" but

instead, day after day, I wake up with the best intentions. My Weight Watcher food tracker at my side. A positive quote and a smiley face scrawled on the page.

But by afternoon or evening, I gorge. I eat until the point of physical pain. It's like a light switch that I unconsciously switch off....allowing my fingers to scoop up food without my mind throwing a fit. My heart breaks but my mouth keeps plowing through.

I am off to Weight Watchers for my first meeting since my new "100 day" focus.