83 days to go- down in the dumps

Today is painful. I am crying a lot. I have let myself down....for the millionth time.

I came home last night after a day of great eating and a great workout. I had exercised hard each day of the week and now it was Friday night. I had only eaten 8 points...which I know is part of the problem...but I was also emotional about different personal issues. So, I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. Probably over 100 points.

Here's what it looked like...I am not sure why I write it down....just to shame myself. Is that helpful? But here it is:

18 crackers and 3oz of cheese (15 points)
plate with bread, hummous, salad, cheese, and a cocktail
second helping of the above
plate with beans, chips, hummos, and 2 slices of quiche

And how does that feel???? 100 points in one day...in just a few hours, actually???

Sick, disgusting, sad, depressed, morose, pitiful, pathetic

I am struggling today to even want to show my face. I dragged myself to the gym. I worked out REALLY hard and so far I've made good choices.

Why is this wedding day, taking pictures, being surrounded by people I love, not ENOUGH to motivate me not to be fat? Why am I still fat? Why can't something just click and I get on this trail and just do the work to get there?

Why am I so weak? Why am I such a failure?

Why can't I do this?

As of this morning, I gained 5 lbs. since last week's weigh-in. Okay, so maybe that's not realistic...it's a reaction to salt and poor eating at dinner....but still, tomorrow's weigh-in will not be great. I will have gained.

All of this writing, talk, work, exercise....and I will still be down just 4 lbs. since I restarted WW's in December at 188.8.

Hysterical really. The movement of 4 lbs. in 4 months. At that rate, I will still be disgusting cow at the wedding.

Oh God, I just need to stop writing this blog for now. I hate everything about myself and what I am and who I have become and my weakness.