94 days to go: I want this!

Why is it that I can want something so badly....but fail to accomplish the simple steps needed to reach the goal? I know how to lose weight.

Don't we all?

Eat less. Move more.

It is that simple. Yet, today, as I stood at the counter with a luscious 13 pts (approx. 700 calories) left for dinner, I managed to eat them all and more just making my beloved a sandwich. While I was making him a sandwich, I was mopping up the egg salad bowl, the crispy fry oil on the pan, and the chili/onion jam with another roll.

I used the burning of his first roll as the perfect excuse to eat the roll in ANY sauce, cheese, condiment that I could find. It was this insane scarfing. Hoping he didn't come out of his office and wonder why I was eating "his" roll. Trust me, he isn't possessive of the rolls...it is me that announces that certain foods are off limits and I have my 1 pt. slices of bread instead.

So, there I was. Stuffing the toasted roll in my face as fast as I could. Inhaling all of my allotted dinner points in a matter of minutes.

Then, because I'm mad about the scarfing, I eat two little Japaneses ice-cream balls (moshi) to really stick to my guns.

It is ridiculous. I think of the wedding. I think of the swimsuit that will be worn the day after the wedding at the "all family/friend beach bbq" and I pee my pants with nerves. I want to look fit that day...okay, "thin" would be a better word. Or I'd take any of the following:

"hot"
"good"
"healthy" (and not in the pejorative sense of "chubby")
"fit"
"lean"

If any of those words could honestly be ascribed to me that day, in a swimsuit, I'd be thrilled. I don't want to hear this:

"she has such a pretty face" (frankly, f___k you for saying this one)
"thick"
"chunky"
"chubby"
"fat"

But at the end of the day, my beauty that day will be certain. I think it's hard to be an unattractive bride. You glow, radiate, and are so smitten. I don't think I'm hideous....but I do still look at my body sometimes and cry. What have I done?

I have stretch marks like I've had 5 kids. (I have none)
I have cottage cheese on my thighs.
I have fat rolls on my back.

My choices have brought me to this place. My choices have created the image I see before me. Is it possible; however, that it's distorted. Do I see myself much larger than others do? And when it comes down to it....I guess my own perception is the only one that matters.

I must work on my perception - my value beyond the number on that scale.

I want this. Tonight is about drinking tea and forgiving the roll incident.